Empty that chamber for me

November 7, 2011

Although this piece is about a relationship. It is more about a persons place in the world. More beer was spilt over that question than was drunk to anyone’s health. Why was everyone trying so hard to have a good time? For Kodak moments. Sometimes it felt as if we were all on a speeding train. Some of us drank. Some slept. Some jumped off. They all seemed interchangeable. The desperate lives of the affluent. And I remember the Russian roulette scene in The Deerhunter. Every evening felt like that. Like this moment was it.





When I was 15 i thought i would have to marry my sister. She was the only girl who listened to me. Later the family discovered she was deaf. Had been for years.

We never communicate anymore, she said. And you’ve stopped clipping your toe nails. My legs are all scarred. What is it you’re punishing me for. Has love crippled us. When we were just friends your conversation was so naked. Now you seem ashamed as if you’ve run out of things to say. I feel deserted when i’m alone with you.

Laying fully awake beside her. Listening to her breath. I want to hear her stop. Why didn’t we survive happiness. I turn over and find her gone.

I need her face in my hands. The darkness would not allow us to draw apart. Sleepless one night. I picked the lilacs outside our bedroom window. And buried her in spring. The next morning i fucked a compost heap.

It is this boredom that is driving us into insanity. We keep trying to amuse ourselves with each other. Moving from lover to lover like Russian roulette players move from chamber to chamber.

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