No matter how many times they rub up against our leg

March 27, 2012

I was not always sure of animals. Everyone else seemed to treat them like furniture or pets. As a young lad I used to sit on the fence and look at my grandfather’s cows for hours. People thought I was a little queer. (Things were confirmed when I in my teens I grew my hair long.) But I thought that cows had something to say. To contribute to the conversation. On the planet. Except they never talked. Pigs bothered me. I really think they have their eyes on our position. As the top of the food chain. But pets, like dogs and cats. They are our allies. On this planet. And they do talk to us. But we’re not too clever. Can’t understand them. No matter how many times they rub up against our leg.


SAMPLE FROM MY BOOK “The Adventures of Fred and Me: Episode One, Divorce and Kitty Litter.

I motioned to Fred and the two of us tiptoed out of the bedroom. We went into the living room. I poured myself a scotch. Fred asked for the same. I went into the kitchen and got him a saucer of milk. It was a warm summer evening so we took our drinks and sat out on the back fence, and watched the moon. It was a full moon, like a scoop of French Vanilla ice cream. There were a few wispy clouds wandering around. They looked like lambs that had strayed from the flock. The rest of the sky looked like a parking lot filled with stars.

“Does the moon make ripples when it drifts across the sky?” Fred asked.

I shook my head.

“You’re absolutely sure of that, Dave?”

I shook my head. “I’m not absolutely sure of most things. You should know that by now, Fred. But, I’m damn sure that the moon doesn’t cause ripples when it moves through space.”

“Then you haven’t studied Einstein’s description of gravity which clearly shows that gravity acts as a well to objects around it, like a stone dropped into a pool of water. And that’s not all, Dave. Did you know that there is not enough matter in the universe? Isn’t that depressing? All the dead stars and dead planets, all the flotsam from the Big Bang can’t compensate for all the matter that is needed to balance the books. We’re running out of fresh water, clean air, natural resources, and cottage country, and now we’re told there isn’t enough matter. They should have a lottery and divide what’s left up between us. I’ll bet those rich bastards in Rosedale are hoarding all that matter in numbered bank accounts. They should set up a government commission to investigate.”

Fred gargled his milk.

I took out my pipe and filled it with some Dutch tobacco. “I’ve always admired the Dutch,” I said. “Such a tolerant people.”

Fred muttered something about dikes that I didn’t find amusing. It was to my mind, insensitive. Fred said that everything funny was insensitive.

“The trouble with you, Dave,” Fred said between laps around his saucer of milk, “is that you believe that time really exists. If you could conquer that misconception, you’d find that there was really nothing to keep you awake.”

“You don’t believe that time exists?” I asked, taking a sip of my scotch and a puff of my pipe.

Fred shook his head. “It’s just the way the mind has of filing things, a way of cataloguing events. Time doesn’t exist for example the way a horse exists, or for that matter, Descartes.” Fred slapped his knee with his paw, rolled over on his back, and roared with laughter.


3 Responses to “No matter how many times they rub up against our leg”

  1. littleimprints said

    I enjoyed reading that 🙂 I have a wonderful love of animals and often wonder what their thoughts are on us. Fred sounds like a very interesting creature indeed.

  2. columbibueno said

    So glad you’re giving animals a good name. Humans just want to torture or eat them.

    I don’t think we make our pets smarter. I think we help them fit in, conform, do as we want. Animals, without human interference, are in constant communion with the beyond.

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